If i can't get you out of my head, the least i could do is to get myself off the phone.
Maybe that will bring my thoughts away from you, by that millimeter.
Saturday, November 1, 2014
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Change
Looking back at our old convos... Perhaps it is me who has changed. Everything has. It brings smile to my face and yet I feel like breaking down now.
Perhaps I would have preferred if you hadn't changed your phone. I would have been contented with receiving only one or two (out of your limited SMSes) once in a while. But the way things have changed, could be due to my immature confession when we both weren't ready for it. Perhaps... things could have turned out differently?
Have been getting jealous over wh??! idek but I'm becoming more irrational by the day. Paranoid. Uneasy. You were never mine to begin with, but you still mean so much to me. And I want and need to find the courage to move on. I need to talk to someone, but I realise I have no one I am comfortable in confiding with, aside from you. But even now, I'm having doubts about telling you things already.. because it'll just be a bother to you.
I hate myself. The weak me. The me who runs away from this reality - something I just refuse to accept.
I still miss the times when we talked at midnights, until one of us stopped replying cos we just fell asleep. I missed the times when you would tell me things, anything that you're uncomfortable with, uneasy with, and confided in me when you were low. But I guess the past is the past. and I have no idea how to carry on. I cannot give you up. But I'm feeling that I am bugging you too much and being an irritating pest/creep. I'm sorry.
You seem so near, yet so out of reach.
Perhaps I would have preferred if you hadn't changed your phone. I would have been contented with receiving only one or two (out of your limited SMSes) once in a while. But the way things have changed, could be due to my immature confession when we both weren't ready for it. Perhaps... things could have turned out differently?
Have been getting jealous over wh??! idek but I'm becoming more irrational by the day. Paranoid. Uneasy. You were never mine to begin with, but you still mean so much to me. And I want and need to find the courage to move on. I need to talk to someone, but I realise I have no one I am comfortable in confiding with, aside from you. But even now, I'm having doubts about telling you things already.. because it'll just be a bother to you.
I hate myself. The weak me. The me who runs away from this reality - something I just refuse to accept.
I still miss the times when we talked at midnights, until one of us stopped replying cos we just fell asleep. I missed the times when you would tell me things, anything that you're uncomfortable with, uneasy with, and confided in me when you were low. But I guess the past is the past. and I have no idea how to carry on. I cannot give you up. But I'm feeling that I am bugging you too much and being an irritating pest/creep. I'm sorry.
You seem so near, yet so out of reach.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
领悟 20/10
Maybe I was only in love with the thought of you, and not you. And yet I can't find myself distancing away from you..
One sided affection is just too painful to bear.
"But that little bit more, can hurt you so much more"
被爱是奢侈的幸福、可惜你从来不在乎 -领悟
不爱孤单、一久也习惯 - 没那么简单
暗恋的滋味、你不懂这种感觉
为你付出那些伤心你永远不了解、
我有何苦勉强自己爱上你的一切
你又狠狠逼退 我的防备
静静关上门来默数我的泪
為妳付出那種傷心妳永遠不了解
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One sided affection is just too painful to bear.
"But that little bit more, can hurt you so much more"
被爱是奢侈的幸福、可惜你从来不在乎 -领悟
不爱孤单、一久也习惯 - 没那么简单
暗恋的滋味、你不懂这种感觉
为你付出那些伤心你永远不了解、
我有何苦勉强自己爱上你的一切
你又狠狠逼退 我的防备
静静关上门来默数我的泪
為妳付出那種傷心妳永遠不了解
Unpublished 07/10
You say that everyone has someone more important, but you don't realise that you are more important to me than anyone else.
And yet I hold back my words, I bite my tongue, and I die a little bit inside
And yet I hold back my words, I bite my tongue, and I die a little bit inside
impossible 25/9
Sometimes.... you just don't know when to try harder or to give up.
"She said its impossible" was the stinging sentence that reverberated in my ears. No wonder i slept for8 hours straight.
And guess who found out what he didn't have to in a time like this.
Disillusioned.
And i hate my heart whose job is to pump blood for getting involved in every single thing and.. i just want to give up. Go back to the days where i don't have to worry about stuff like this.
Im so immature
"She said its impossible" was the stinging sentence that reverberated in my ears. No wonder i slept for8 hours straight.
And guess who found out what he didn't have to in a time like this.
Disillusioned.
And i hate my heart whose job is to pump blood for getting involved in every single thing and.. i just want to give up. Go back to the days where i don't have to worry about stuff like this.
Im so immature
Thursday, September 18, 2014
18/9 Meandering/西界
And I just can't let it go.
Because you give me the slightest hope.
I'm willing to take the chance, if its for you.
Yet I don't feel like I stand a chance at all.
This song is just so apt..
只能眺望东边
你的世界太远
撑到想象的极限
幸福有多甜
可黑夜已吞噬我
就是拉不到你的手
Because you give me the slightest hope.
I'm willing to take the chance, if its for you.
Yet I don't feel like I stand a chance at all.
This song is just so apt..
只能眺望东边
你的世界太远
撑到想象的极限
幸福有多甜
可黑夜已吞噬我
就是拉不到你的手
Thursday, August 28, 2014
29/08
How can I move on, when I'm still in love with you?
-The man who can't be moved
I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new,
Holding on to what I haven't got
I thought I found right but that right was wrong.
All caught up in the eye of the storm.
I'm trying to figure out what it's like - moving on
So picking up the pieces,now, where to begin?
- Waiting for the end
-The man who can't be moved
I know what it takes to move on,
I know how it feels to lie,
All I wanna do
Is trade this life for something new,
Holding on to what I haven't got
I thought I found right but that right was wrong.
All caught up in the eye of the storm.
I'm trying to figure out what it's like - moving on
So picking up the pieces,now, where to begin?
The hardest part of ending is starting all again.
- Waiting for the end
Monday, August 18, 2014
18/8
Sometimes its not just about trying harder, or putting in more effort. We all know that. But we still try harder anyway, and convince ourselves we haven't done enough. Has it ever crossed that, sometimes, no matter how hard we try.
どんなに強く願ったりしても、叶えられない夢は結局現実にはなれない。
TL: No matter how hard u may wish for it, dreams which were not meant to realise, will never be realised.
どんなに強く願ったりしても、叶えられない夢は結局現実にはなれない。
TL: No matter how hard u may wish for it, dreams which were not meant to realise, will never be realised.
Sunday, August 17, 2014
17/08/14
Don't wanna leave it all behind
But I get my hopes up
And I watch them fall every time
Yup thats it
But I get my hopes up
And I watch them fall every time
Yup thats it
Saturday, August 2, 2014
08-02
And I have come to realise that sometimes, one person may be the world to you but you may not mean anything to them. And the reverse is true too.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
False Awakening 27/07
Maybe solitude is the way to go. I've decided, to stop responding on the class wa, to stop responding to group chats and if you wanna say something to me, just pm. I'm not going to bother with socialising with the class anymore. Its not like I hate my classmates, but I guess I'm just happy and fine with being in my own comfort zone. And because I hate the feeling whereby nobody cares about what I say unless its something funny or insinuating or directed at someone.
Friday was an especially sad day. We were right beside each other, and yet we acted like we didn't see each other. My mouth opened, but no words could seem to come out from my mouth. But the night was much better I guess. yk's birthday celebration at pizza hut and pool afterwards - Friends which are able to make me forget about the sadness. But when the night comes and I lay on my bed, unable to sleep, I still think about you, and think about us.
If I had to wake up from a dream, just to find myself in a nightmare, I would rather I had not had that dream in the first place.
"A false awakening is a vivid and convincing dream about awakening from sleep, while the dreamer in reality continues to sleep."
Friday was an especially sad day. We were right beside each other, and yet we acted like we didn't see each other. My mouth opened, but no words could seem to come out from my mouth. But the night was much better I guess. yk's birthday celebration at pizza hut and pool afterwards - Friends which are able to make me forget about the sadness. But when the night comes and I lay on my bed, unable to sleep, I still think about you, and think about us.
If I had to wake up from a dream, just to find myself in a nightmare, I would rather I had not had that dream in the first place.
"A false awakening is a vivid and convincing dream about awakening from sleep, while the dreamer in reality continues to sleep."
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
23/07
2am
I guess... results were ok..? But lower than expected but I should be happy I even scraped a pass. I guess?
Jealousy is really getting the better of me. It's originally my fault things are the way it is now, and I can't help but wonder what would happen if I didn't do what I did, or even fall for you in the first place.
Sometimes what lies at the end of a rainbow is not a pot of gold, not a treasure chest. There might not even be anything there. Or worse, it might be a bottomless pit that engulfs you and envelope you in darkness for eternity. Trapped forever in despair.
When you think that things can't get any worse, I'm sure life will have a way of saying " oh no you don't, the worse is yet to be" and just fuck you up so badly just when you think you have reached the lowest point ever.
Really pissed off at xxx. Not sure whether he's doing it on purpose or whatnot but whatever. Be that way if you want. (Finding people hypocritical and stuff but who am I to judge. I'm just as much a hypocrite than anyone else is. )
Mood has been bad these few days in class and can't seem to respond well to jokes. And feel so angst during lessons when I know I'm helpless and cannot do anything at all to change the way things are.
Shall be aiming for at least 4Bs for promos. Can't keep thinking that its ok to get such mediocre grades anymore. Gotta get my game up and show them what I've got! Mugging in progress, slowly but surely. I would love to be a closet mugger but I'm so fat I can't fit into the closet probably...
still can't get my mind off you. And what sucks even more is that I probably don't matter to you, even the slightest bit. Maybe not even a thousandth of what you mean to me. And it really sucks.
I guess... results were ok..? But lower than expected but I should be happy I even scraped a pass. I guess?
Jealousy is really getting the better of me. It's originally my fault things are the way it is now, and I can't help but wonder what would happen if I didn't do what I did, or even fall for you in the first place.
Sometimes what lies at the end of a rainbow is not a pot of gold, not a treasure chest. There might not even be anything there. Or worse, it might be a bottomless pit that engulfs you and envelope you in darkness for eternity. Trapped forever in despair.
When you think that things can't get any worse, I'm sure life will have a way of saying " oh no you don't, the worse is yet to be" and just fuck you up so badly just when you think you have reached the lowest point ever.
Really pissed off at xxx. Not sure whether he's doing it on purpose or whatnot but whatever. Be that way if you want. (Finding people hypocritical and stuff but who am I to judge. I'm just as much a hypocrite than anyone else is. )
Mood has been bad these few days in class and can't seem to respond well to jokes. And feel so angst during lessons when I know I'm helpless and cannot do anything at all to change the way things are.
Shall be aiming for at least 4Bs for promos. Can't keep thinking that its ok to get such mediocre grades anymore. Gotta get my game up and show them what I've got! Mugging in progress, slowly but surely. I would love to be a closet mugger but I'm so fat I can't fit into the closet probably...
still can't get my mind off you. And what sucks even more is that I probably don't matter to you, even the slightest bit. Maybe not even a thousandth of what you mean to me. And it really sucks.
Monday, July 21, 2014
21/7
Nobody can make me happier and sadder than you.
Cause every time I just steel my determination, then I start getting texts from you. And it just crumbles like paper.. I spent entire days trying my best not to click on that name, on that chat, and then it just pops up. How am I supposed to give up?
"You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness"
Cause every time I just steel my determination, then I start getting texts from you. And it just crumbles like paper.. I spent entire days trying my best not to click on that name, on that chat, and then it just pops up. How am I supposed to give up?
"You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness"
Monday, July 14, 2014
14/7
"There is no value in the thing if you don't fight for it" is what can probably describe my thoughts right now. I'm done with being the Mr-always-available. Because when you are always available for someone, it somehow ends up depreciating your value. They don't value the fact that you are constantly available for them. And thats why I'm done. 2000% done. Not that I won't put in 100% in maintaining my friendships, I probably won't ever do anything that seems to put me in a less than comfortable position. And probably until I get affirmation that you are worth my 101% or even more, you'll have to earn it. Sometimes I feel being taken for granted.
And why? You initiated the don't-talk-to-me-like-we're-so-close thing and YOU. you still continue to talk to me everyday. It's hard to go on. I might not know when I might lose control of myself. Stop giving me false hope. Just stop.
If I lose myself tonight - One republic
I stared up at the sun,
Thought of all of the people, places and things I’ve loved.
I stared up just to see
With all of the faces, you were the one next to me.
You can feel the light start to tremble,
Washing what you know out to sea.
You can see your life out of the window tonight.
If I lose myself tonight,
It’ll be by your side.
I lose myself tonight...
If I lose myself tonight,
It’ll be you and I.
Lose myself tonight...
And why? You initiated the don't-talk-to-me-like-we're-so-close thing and YOU. you still continue to talk to me everyday. It's hard to go on. I might not know when I might lose control of myself. Stop giving me false hope. Just stop.
If I lose myself tonight - One republic
I stared up at the sun,
Thought of all of the people, places and things I’ve loved.
I stared up just to see
With all of the faces, you were the one next to me.
You can feel the light start to tremble,
Washing what you know out to sea.
You can see your life out of the window tonight.
If I lose myself tonight,
It’ll be by your side.
I lose myself tonight...
If I lose myself tonight,
It’ll be you and I.
Lose myself tonight...
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
09-07 Bye
I knew my feelings would burden you. But not to this extent. Not this much. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't have trusted you. I knew things could not possibly remain as it were. Sorry. Sorry if I appeared to be despo. Sorry.
Back to being me. )':')
Just wanna escape into the dream realms and escape from this nightmare.
And my body is breaking down, more so than my heart. Should be expecting to be sick one of these days.
Academics shall fill in the vacuum and the hole you left behind, and.. I guess there's no recovery (at least for now)
I need to return to the me that I once was. The boy who simply doesn't give two shits about anything. Heh...
Back to being me. )':')
Just wanna escape into the dream realms and escape from this nightmare.
And my body is breaking down, more so than my heart. Should be expecting to be sick one of these days.
Academics shall fill in the vacuum and the hole you left behind, and.. I guess there's no recovery (at least for now)
I need to return to the me that I once was. The boy who simply doesn't give two shits about anything. Heh...
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even
Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake, she has no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even, even, no
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake, she has no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even, even, no
What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even, even, oww
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even, even, oww
What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even)
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even)
You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm tryin' make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm tryin' make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name
I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break
No it don't break, no, it don't break even, no
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break
No it don't break, no, it don't break even, no
What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even)
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even)
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
7/7
3.17am in the morning and here I am, yet again
Maybe I just want to drown myself in music
Maybe I just want to indulge in the moment
Maybe..
Things to be really grateful for -
lwh, I may not show it but I really appreciate the advice that you've given me and showing care and concern for this one guy who isn't worth nearly half your time. But how do I explain... that boys aren't like that. I just got over the stage of crushing, and crashed into a wall higher, stronger, designed to keep people out. And I am just powerless, just so powerless now.
Caught up with rx and tws today over dinner at Jcube :) We just spoke our minds and time just passed so fast over the 1hr ++ dinner. And I was totally useless when it came to preparing the food D: Happy? So confused.
My advice to her (heh ironically I think it applies to me more) : You have to stop doing what's hurting you.
I hate to over think. I hate the me who over thinks. And I hate the you who makes me over think.
Maybe I just want to drown myself in music
Maybe I just want to indulge in the moment
Maybe..
Things to be really grateful for -
lwh, I may not show it but I really appreciate the advice that you've given me and showing care and concern for this one guy who isn't worth nearly half your time. But how do I explain... that boys aren't like that. I just got over the stage of crushing, and crashed into a wall higher, stronger, designed to keep people out. And I am just powerless, just so powerless now.
Caught up with rx and tws today over dinner at Jcube :) We just spoke our minds and time just passed so fast over the 1hr ++ dinner. And I was totally useless when it came to preparing the food D: Happy? So confused.
My advice to her (heh ironically I think it applies to me more) : You have to stop doing what's hurting you.
I hate to over think. I hate the me who over thinks. And I hate the you who makes me over think.
It takes two hands to clap. If you decide to force it with one hand, that hand will end up being hurt and injured. And eventually, stops trying.
"I'm not broke I'm just a brokenhearted man
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do?
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do?
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?
'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street
So I'm not moving
I'm not moving"
I'm not moving"
Friday, July 4, 2014
05-07 wake
2.57am and its really a bad time to be doing stuff like thinking deep about the unknown because thoughts tend to run wild more so than any time of the day. Yet... I cannot bring myself to stop. Yes I need to stop. But I am so powerless, swept away by the emotions that dwell deep within me, causing me to lose all sense of logic.
Because I just know that some things aren't meant to be and some times... its my fault for not picking the right battle, my heart's fault for being stolen so easily, my senses fault for not being illogical before you, and my brain for being so weak.
So damn tired with socialising. So many problems which probably wouldn't have existed if we were still an all guys school.
Conflicted. I know its ok to have fun but at the expense of others, I cannot bring myself to do. Yet I am just a normal human, preaching great but doing shit. If only time can turn around, back to the one week before we got together, before anything happened. Even so, I'm sure things would have happened like how they would have eventually.
Because if there's no sign of reciprocity, its really hard to carry on and find the motivation to continue for you. But you are just as unpredictable like the weather, sunshine and the next moment a stormy rain.
But I know somewhere deep in my heart, deep down, where I just cannot bear to let go.. and all these years I have lived, making others the centre of my life. And I realise how difficult it is to push through and these kind of things will be frequent enough to kill the me inside.
And I still foolishly go on hoping, despite knowing what would eventually happen.
"My faith in you was.. failing..."
Because I just know that some things aren't meant to be and some times... its my fault for not picking the right battle, my heart's fault for being stolen so easily, my senses fault for not being illogical before you, and my brain for being so weak.
So damn tired with socialising. So many problems which probably wouldn't have existed if we were still an all guys school.
Conflicted. I know its ok to have fun but at the expense of others, I cannot bring myself to do. Yet I am just a normal human, preaching great but doing shit. If only time can turn around, back to the one week before we got together, before anything happened. Even so, I'm sure things would have happened like how they would have eventually.
Because if there's no sign of reciprocity, its really hard to carry on and find the motivation to continue for you. But you are just as unpredictable like the weather, sunshine and the next moment a stormy rain.
But I know somewhere deep in my heart, deep down, where I just cannot bear to let go.. and all these years I have lived, making others the centre of my life. And I realise how difficult it is to push through and these kind of things will be frequent enough to kill the me inside.
And I still foolishly go on hoping, despite knowing what would eventually happen.
"My faith in you was.. failing..."
30-06
There's been a lot of unseen tension in our class relationships.. and I've been told that I'm probably over thinking because the class is the only people I hang out with. There's so much things to be done and yet nothing is within my capabilities to do. Amazed at my own uselessness, helplessness, inability.
Aaaaaand... there are things that seem so easy for other people yet I just can't achieve even if I died trying. Like... encouraging people.. standing broad jump... initiating conversations with strangers... and I can't seem to leave her alone when she is in distress, when she's not in distress, when she has random panic attacks and when she's fine.
Dreams these few days seem to be less remember-able, but I still have them without fail everynight.. I wonder if they mean something 😅
On a side note, its 6 days till end of blocks!! (1 day to start :/) got so much stuffs to catch up on after blocks, hanging out and watching movies with all the different friends and SLACK!!
If there are two clones, one good and one evil, I can’t kill on sight alone. It’s the same with love. Some love hurts, and some love elevates, but as to which one is which, they are two sides to the same sandwich.
Aaaaaand... there are things that seem so easy for other people yet I just can't achieve even if I died trying. Like... encouraging people.. standing broad jump... initiating conversations with strangers... and I can't seem to leave her alone when she is in distress, when she's not in distress, when she has random panic attacks and when she's fine.
Dreams these few days seem to be less remember-able, but I still have them without fail everynight.. I wonder if they mean something 😅
On a side note, its 6 days till end of blocks!! (1 day to start :/) got so much stuffs to catch up on after blocks, hanging out and watching movies with all the different friends and SLACK!!
If there are two clones, one good and one evil, I can’t kill on sight alone. It’s the same with love. Some love hurts, and some love elevates, but as to which one is which, they are two sides to the same sandwich.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Contentment
Last week of school holidays and guess who's totally unprepared for school reopen? >_< Haven't done any revision yet and just going to school everyday just to study with friends because time spent with these bunch of people are really fun. Also, shared a 1 for 1 starbucks drink with her!!!!!!!! (so happy at such small things I'm so foolish but yes just let me indulge in this one-sided feelings and don't kill my hopes)
Came across this quote : " The first person you think of when you wake up and the last person you think of before you sleep is usually the reason why you are very happy or sad." And I can totally relate to this. Things have become less awkward between us since meeting up and going for tuition together (cos our tutor is really funny) and this kinda revived my hopes ><. For now I'll be contented with being beside her and waiting for her until we're both ready for it ( but if that time comes and I still get rejected then I'll really be disappointed but what to do hahaha)
Aaaaaand sometimes I think whether I'm bothering her too much and keep spamming her things and whether she will get annoyed at my retarded jokes and stuff ( trying really hard though) and so I just backspace the things that I was going to say. That said I actually spam her with a lot of stuff and sometimes I try really hard to keep the conversation going and try to generate topics of interest (yeah but she only replies me from time to time when she checks her phone so :< )
Maybe not only with her, but I'm afraid of being too annoying and mean to my friends. Like people love to call me Meandy and stuff and I agree that its purely out of joking and whatnot but most of the times I try to be really nice but... sigh* I guess its just my way of making friends since secondary school (but they were all guys so..) and it is only my exterior self that I choose to show people. I wouldn't say I am a very caring and thoughtful person but I guess I usually show that side of myself to those who open up to me first/ whom I'm close to.
On a side note, week 3 passed VERRRRY FAST ( maybe because of the times spent together with the class and her hehe) and theres 3 sessions this week :)) so I actually see her quite often these last two weeks maybe thats why.
Been feeling really distant with some of my classmates especially :x I mean a few have been rather close to me at one point and yeah, like what I heard :"sometimes people just drift apart for no good reason." As much as shes my prev crush and a really funny friend I find it really hard to start a convo out of nowhere with her and she sounds annoyed with me and just stops replying most of the time D: Praying that all turns out well..
Came across this quote : " The first person you think of when you wake up and the last person you think of before you sleep is usually the reason why you are very happy or sad." And I can totally relate to this. Things have become less awkward between us since meeting up and going for tuition together (cos our tutor is really funny) and this kinda revived my hopes ><. For now I'll be contented with being beside her and waiting for her until we're both ready for it ( but if that time comes and I still get rejected then I'll really be disappointed but what to do hahaha)
Aaaaaand sometimes I think whether I'm bothering her too much and keep spamming her things and whether she will get annoyed at my retarded jokes and stuff ( trying really hard though) and so I just backspace the things that I was going to say. That said I actually spam her with a lot of stuff and sometimes I try really hard to keep the conversation going and try to generate topics of interest (yeah but she only replies me from time to time when she checks her phone so :< )
Maybe not only with her, but I'm afraid of being too annoying and mean to my friends. Like people love to call me Meandy and stuff and I agree that its purely out of joking and whatnot but most of the times I try to be really nice but... sigh* I guess its just my way of making friends since secondary school (but they were all guys so..) and it is only my exterior self that I choose to show people. I wouldn't say I am a very caring and thoughtful person but I guess I usually show that side of myself to those who open up to me first/ whom I'm close to.
On a side note, week 3 passed VERRRRY FAST ( maybe because of the times spent together with the class and her hehe) and theres 3 sessions this week :)) so I actually see her quite often these last two weeks maybe thats why.
Been feeling really distant with some of my classmates especially :x I mean a few have been rather close to me at one point and yeah, like what I heard :"sometimes people just drift apart for no good reason." As much as shes my prev crush and a really funny friend I find it really hard to start a convo out of nowhere with her and she sounds annoyed with me and just stops replying most of the time D: Praying that all turns out well..
Thursday, June 19, 2014
19/06
Found the letter of encouragement from my class during council elections and was really touched and all the memories just flashed past my mind in an instant. Although I didn't get what I had hoped for originally, I'm really glad to have gotten more than what I could have asked for.
I will continue with what little energy I am left with, so long as I stay true to my heart.
On a side note, I'm really feeling the pressure of blocks but not getting my revision done at all (haven't started on history and worst of csc ).. talk about being screwed hahaha one last week for the last stretch and once again can't emphasize more on how much I appreciate my friends' presence in the cold reading room (though silent). WE CAN DO THIS OOMPH ( b, bei, sherb, andre and even em and hy)
No matter how tired or sleepy I am, I wouldnt give up the chance to talk to you ; until I fall asleep right beside my phone waiting for a reply from you.
I will continue with what little energy I am left with, so long as I stay true to my heart.
On a side note, I'm really feeling the pressure of blocks but not getting my revision done at all (haven't started on history and worst of csc ).. talk about being screwed hahaha one last week for the last stretch and once again can't emphasize more on how much I appreciate my friends' presence in the cold reading room (though silent). WE CAN DO THIS OOMPH ( b, bei, sherb, andre and even em and hy)
No matter how tired or sleepy I am, I wouldnt give up the chance to talk to you ; until I fall asleep right beside my phone waiting for a reply from you.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Happiness
Really fun day today :)) Celebrated CH's birthday and hanging out with the econs trio was really really fun :D Looking forward to the remaining tuition sessions with the econs trio and I guess I'll wait until the end of A's before I even try again because I realise that it isn't really the best of time for me (and her too). For now I'll just look ahead and try to survive blocks and go to school and MUG for the remaining one and a half weeks (Time spent in school is really fun when u have companions and its not that lonely). Reading room has become my most frequented place outside of class bench now :)
Hmm maybe my first happy post?? I'll cherish what I have now and think about the rest later. TBVH I am really looking forward to school reopen and having classes with my awesome friends again! A12 hooray :D
First time ending off on a happy note :)) Life isn't all about romantic love and relationships hahaha :) Thankful for all the friends in my life and really grateful for the wonderful times I had with p3'10, b2'12 and a12'14 :)
Hmm maybe my first happy post?? I'll cherish what I have now and think about the rest later. TBVH I am really looking forward to school reopen and having classes with my awesome friends again! A12 hooray :D
First time ending off on a happy note :)) Life isn't all about romantic love and relationships hahaha :) Thankful for all the friends in my life and really grateful for the wonderful times I had with p3'10, b2'12 and a12'14 :)
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Give up and let it go
"you got it wrong - please give up; please move on. it's not just the time; just don't go on hoping"
2348 170614
Time to really let it...go? But it isn't my choice and it isn't within my control hahahahhahahaha
2348 170614
Time to really let it...go? But it isn't my choice and it isn't within my control hahahahhahahaha
Monday, June 16, 2014
Sunday, June 15, 2014
I wonder how long these feelings will remain
"I've come too far to turn around", and a friend told me "回头是岸". Not the first time she has approached me because I've posted emo stuff on twitter and cheered me up :') I really wanna say whats on my mind but I guess it might really be over and I'm going to make my second(not last) stand and try it all over again. Might be the first time I'm feeling like this and I feel like JC life has not been entirely the smoothest sailing journey of my life and I just wanna screw it up and everything now but over such a small thing... I'm so retarded hahahahah.
Lately, especially since coming to JC, I realised I have been using 'hahahaha' (long awkward laughters) too much too often. I have a really great bunch of friends though, its not their fault. It's mine. And perhaps, I might really prefer solitude.
Say you like me by We The Kings
I wish my heart was always on her mind.
'Cause she's on mine like all day, all the time.
Forget me not, forget me now.
I’ve come too far to turn around.
I’m here tonight.
'Cause I'm never going down,
I'm never giving up.
I'm never gonna leave,
So put your hands up.
If you like me,
Then say you like me.
I'm never going down,
I'm never giving up.
I'm never gonna leave,
So put your hands up.
If you like me,
Then say you like me.
maybe one day it'd be worth it.
please don't break me again
I'll wrap my hands around your neck so tight with love, love.
Have you ever just sat there and and read old conversations just cause you miss that person so much & you're not strong enough to tell them?
And the rollercoaster phase begins.
Hey if you really want to do that to me could you please not do it now, not when I need you most.
Sigh I can never get too attached
Cos when I do nothing good ever happens
That said, I'm sure I'd make the same mistake again and again
You know you're all I'm thinking of.
I should know better. Everytime I start waiting for the text it means the end is near
Feeling exactly like the you two years ago...
Friday, June 13, 2014
Black Friday
Saw it coming.
I thought my life couldn't get worse than the wednesday which I thought I had no chance.
But things always happen beyond my control and expectations.
I got a clear definite no. not that I confessed, but she told me shes not interested in a relationship and I am the one to pay for her troubled love debts from the past. Waiting for a reply but I don't think I have the guts to say what I have to say and I know that this is very selfish and I finally said it. Imposed the biggest burden and I don't know how it will work out for now.
I thought my life couldn't get worse than the wednesday which I thought I had no chance.
But things always happen beyond my control and expectations.
I got a clear definite no. not that I confessed, but she told me shes not interested in a relationship and I am the one to pay for her troubled love debts from the past. Waiting for a reply but I don't think I have the guts to say what I have to say and I know that this is very selfish and I finally said it. Imposed the biggest burden and I don't know how it will work out for now.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Certainty and Uncertainty
Feeling like a lovestruck idiot right now. Been thinking too much about love and relationship since getting into JC and my grades are really suffering as a result. I don't know what is this feeling that stirs deep within my heart and causes me to think irrationally. But I guess these feelings are true or else I wouldn't be feeling it so much as compared to my previous crushes.
On a side note, I'm really glad to have someone to talk to and share my feelings with but there is only that much someone else can help me with. It still lies with my own actions and I really don't want to force the issue and disrupt this kind of peaceful and fun and enjoyable mini/brainless/leisure chats that we have everyday. Really thankful for these times and which I really cannot afford to lose.
I shall continue in my own way and hope for the best.
HTHT revelations
Learnt much more about the guys during our HTHT and it turns out that I'm not as perceptive as I think I am. There's the know it all haoyu who knows about everything I feel like I'm such a retard for thinking that I actually know our class well. Have to be more careful and cautious about other people whenever I say anything from now on.
It really pains to see that our class is not what we think it could turn out to be. Back in my NPCC days, our NCOs used to tell us that, the squad is only as strong as the weakest man, and our class bond is only as strong as the weakest link in the class. I seriously am at a loss at what to do, and what I can do is just so limited as an individual.
On the end note, I am really looking forward to book shopping tmr and the fun weekends to come!! Especially week 3 and 4 since I will get to see you more often!!!!!! Although these activities will be fun, I really cannot stand being separated from you and I really wish you would at least join us (or me ) in the activities.
Shall leave these aside and prepare for blocks!! JIAYOUS ANDY LOW.
Sometimes I get so excited and happy over small things when it comes to you.
Friday, April 11, 2014
Supposed to be at third lang now but here I am at kfc queuing up for food. Theres a test later and I haven prepared for it at all. But then again, I haven't been doing much for 3rd lang at all.
Mixed feelings:
So haoyu told us during ct that hes giving up position of ct rep and relinquishing the chance to run for fac com to someone else in the class. So a few of the guys prompted me to run for fac com since I didn't get into council. But I guess I haven gotten over the fear of failures and disappointment from the entire council fiasco. But somewhere deep within my heart, I'm still feeling hopeful about going for these positions. But then again, I still can't get over these fear. I've decided to put all my hopes down and continue . let's just See what will happen I guess
Mixed feelings:
So haoyu told us during ct that hes giving up position of ct rep and relinquishing the chance to run for fac com to someone else in the class. So a few of the guys prompted me to run for fac com since I didn't get into council. But I guess I haven gotten over the fear of failures and disappointment from the entire council fiasco. But somewhere deep within my heart, I'm still feeling hopeful about going for these positions. But then again, I still can't get over these fear. I've decided to put all my hopes down and continue . let's just See what will happen I guess
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
The start of everything
Been a while since I wanted to set up a blog, just to post and rant about all my daily (sad and negative stuffs) on a platform ( because I didn't want to burden anyone with my own problems )
The start of it: Failing council elections
As much as I try to cheer other people up, and said that it didn't matter, I came to the realisation that, hey maybe council just wasn't meant to be for losers like me to even try in the first place. You should be glad you even got to try and struggle and reach for a small glimmer of chance in the first place. What more should you expect? Thinking back, I don't know which nerve in my brain went haywire, that drove me to even step out of the comfort zone that I have been comfortably staying inside for the past 4 years. Although it was a bittersweet experience for campaigning ( although it was tending to bitter because my group wasn't really the most united one there is), it reminded me of how bitter failure can be, and that things which don't usually go my way, won't go my way ultimately. At least I would think 10 times before even moving 1mm out of my comfort zone again.
I guess its a bit hard to face those councillors for now, but I don't wanna jeopardize my relationships with others just because of something that wasn't meant to be. Still, I'll find it hard to face them. And I get that they don't feel exactly too good since not every candidate in their group or class got in.
Well, I guess I did my best at answering the questions, and held true to my own beliefs till the end, although I didn't vote for myself eventually. It was depressing at the start since the two candidates beside me had 21982347 letters and notes of encouragement, and I didn't get any. But yeah, turned out the class was passing around the papers and I was really happy to receive it :DD ( Despite the n number of cat drawings I see in the letter)
At the same time, I also feel happy for those who really deserved the place, and for those who I thought didn't but still got, I hope they can up their game and prove to the people they are worth their votes.
Sorry for those who really supported me all the way, and thanks boo and b for eating ice cream with me :) For the first time in my life, ice-cream was actually a blissfully sweet medicine.
Sorry A, I guess I just wanted to find someone to talk shit about together, so that I will feel less disappointed. Turns out you were so much stronger than me, so I had to direct everything to this post.
To those who failed, I guess there are more avenues for you to display your leadership skills and talents, so jiayous ( note to self as well ).
Well at the end of the day, I was just an ugly duckling and to even think about change for the better, would be nothing but a short-lived dream, so I'm kinda glad I woke up from my daydream sooner.
Actually I have a feeling that there are much more to say/rant about, but I can't really say it out cos I don't know what these things are. Really mixed feelings now but my eyes are forcing me to go to bed. Should really focus on studies now that I have awakened from this nightmare which has taken on the false front of a sweet dream, and be more appreciative of my friends around me. Depends on how I feel tomorrow, I might have to put on a facade ( which I don't really like/bother to do so) so that my friends will stop worrying about me.
“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
The start of it: Failing council elections
As much as I try to cheer other people up, and said that it didn't matter, I came to the realisation that, hey maybe council just wasn't meant to be for losers like me to even try in the first place. You should be glad you even got to try and struggle and reach for a small glimmer of chance in the first place. What more should you expect? Thinking back, I don't know which nerve in my brain went haywire, that drove me to even step out of the comfort zone that I have been comfortably staying inside for the past 4 years. Although it was a bittersweet experience for campaigning ( although it was tending to bitter because my group wasn't really the most united one there is), it reminded me of how bitter failure can be, and that things which don't usually go my way, won't go my way ultimately. At least I would think 10 times before even moving 1mm out of my comfort zone again.
I guess its a bit hard to face those councillors for now, but I don't wanna jeopardize my relationships with others just because of something that wasn't meant to be. Still, I'll find it hard to face them. And I get that they don't feel exactly too good since not every candidate in their group or class got in.
Well, I guess I did my best at answering the questions, and held true to my own beliefs till the end, although I didn't vote for myself eventually. It was depressing at the start since the two candidates beside me had 21982347 letters and notes of encouragement, and I didn't get any. But yeah, turned out the class was passing around the papers and I was really happy to receive it :DD ( Despite the n number of cat drawings I see in the letter)
At the same time, I also feel happy for those who really deserved the place, and for those who I thought didn't but still got, I hope they can up their game and prove to the people they are worth their votes.
Sorry for those who really supported me all the way, and thanks boo and b for eating ice cream with me :) For the first time in my life, ice-cream was actually a blissfully sweet medicine.
Sorry A, I guess I just wanted to find someone to talk shit about together, so that I will feel less disappointed. Turns out you were so much stronger than me, so I had to direct everything to this post.
To those who failed, I guess there are more avenues for you to display your leadership skills and talents, so jiayous ( note to self as well ).
Well at the end of the day, I was just an ugly duckling and to even think about change for the better, would be nothing but a short-lived dream, so I'm kinda glad I woke up from my daydream sooner.
Actually I have a feeling that there are much more to say/rant about, but I can't really say it out cos I don't know what these things are. Really mixed feelings now but my eyes are forcing me to go to bed. Should really focus on studies now that I have awakened from this nightmare which has taken on the false front of a sweet dream, and be more appreciative of my friends around me. Depends on how I feel tomorrow, I might have to put on a facade ( which I don't really like/bother to do so) so that my friends will stop worrying about me.
“Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper
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