False Awakening 27/07

Maybe solitude is the way to go. I've decided, to stop responding on the class wa, to stop responding to group chats and if you wanna say something to me, just pm. I'm not going to bother with socialising with the class anymore. Its not like I hate my classmates, but I guess I'm just happy and fine with being in my own comfort zone. And because I hate the feeling whereby nobody cares about what I say unless its something funny or insinuating or directed at someone.

Friday was an especially sad day. We were right beside each other, and yet we acted like we didn't see each other. My mouth opened, but no words could seem to come out from my mouth. But the night was much better I guess. yk's birthday celebration at pizza hut and pool afterwards - Friends which are able to make me forget about the sadness. But when the night comes and I lay on my bed, unable to sleep, I still think about you, and think about us. 


If I had to wake up from a dream, just to find myself in a nightmare, I would rather I had not had that dream in the first place.

"A false awakening is a vivid and convincing dream about awakening from sleep, while the dreamer in reality continues to sleep."

23/07

2am
I guess... results were ok..? But lower than expected but I should be happy I even scraped a pass. I guess?

Jealousy is really getting the better of me. It's originally my fault things are the way it is now, and I can't help but wonder what would happen if I didn't do what I did, or even fall for you in the first place.

Sometimes what lies at the end of a rainbow is not a pot of gold, not a treasure chest. There might not even be anything there. Or worse, it might be a bottomless pit that engulfs you and envelope you in darkness for eternity. Trapped forever in despair.

When you think that things can't get any worse, I'm sure life will have a way of saying " oh no you don't,  the worse is yet to be" and just fuck you up so badly just when you think you have reached the lowest point ever.

Really pissed off at xxx. Not sure whether he's doing it on purpose or whatnot but whatever. Be that way if you want. (Finding people hypocritical and stuff but who am I to judge. I'm just as much a hypocrite than anyone else is. )

Mood has been bad these few days in class and can't seem to respond well to jokes. And feel so angst during lessons when I know I'm helpless and cannot do anything at all to change the way things are.

Shall be aiming for at least 4Bs for promos. Can't keep thinking that its ok to get such mediocre grades anymore. Gotta get my game up and show them what I've got! Mugging in progress,  slowly but surely. I would love to be a closet mugger but I'm so fat I can't fit into the closet probably...

still can't get my mind off you. And what sucks even more is that I probably don't matter to you, even the slightest bit. Maybe not even a thousandth of what you mean to me. And it really sucks.

21/7

Nobody can make me happier and sadder than you.

Cause every time I just steel my determination, then I start getting texts from you. And it just crumbles like paper.. I spent entire days trying my best not to click on that name, on that chat, and then it just pops up. How am I supposed to give up?


"You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness"

14/7

"There is no value in the thing if you don't fight for it" is what can probably describe my thoughts right now. I'm done with being the Mr-always-available. Because when you are always available for someone, it somehow ends up depreciating your value. They don't value the fact that you are constantly available for them. And thats why I'm done. 2000% done. Not that I won't put in 100% in maintaining my friendships, I probably won't ever do anything that seems to put me in a less than comfortable position. And probably until I get affirmation that you are worth my 101% or even more, you'll have to earn it. Sometimes I feel being taken for granted.

And why? You initiated the don't-talk-to-me-like-we're-so-close thing and YOU. you still continue to talk to me everyday. It's hard to go on. I might not know when I might lose control of myself. Stop giving me false hope. Just stop.

If I lose myself tonight - One republic
I stared up at the sun,
Thought of all of the people, places and things I’ve loved.
I stared up just to see
With all of the faces, you were the one next to me.

You can feel the light start to tremble,
Washing what you know out to sea.
You can see your life out of the window tonight.

If I lose myself tonight,
It’ll be by your side.
I lose myself tonight...

If I lose myself tonight,
It’ll be you and I.
Lose myself tonight...

"You are my every 11:11 wish, but they never come true anyway"

09-07 Bye

I knew my feelings would burden you. But not to this extent. Not this much. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't have trusted you. I knew things could not possibly remain as it were. Sorry. Sorry if I appeared to be despo. Sorry.

Back to being me. )':')

Just wanna escape into the dream realms and escape from this nightmare.

And my body is breaking down, more so than my heart. Should be expecting to be sick one of these days.

Academics shall fill in the vacuum and the hole you left behind, and.. I guess there's no recovery (at least for now)

I need to return to the me that I once was. The boy who simply doesn't give two shits about anything. Heh...

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake, she has no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even, even, no

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even, even, oww

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm tryin' make sense of what little remains, oh
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break
No it don't break, no, it don't break even, no

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're okay?
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

I'm falling to pieces
(One's still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no

7/7

3.17am in the morning and here I am, yet again

Maybe I just want to drown myself in music
Maybe I just want to indulge in the moment
Maybe..

Things to be really grateful for -

lwh, I may not show it but I really appreciate the advice that you've given me and showing care and concern for this one guy who isn't worth nearly half your time. But how do I explain... that boys aren't like that. I just got over the stage of crushing, and crashed into a wall higher, stronger, designed to keep people out. And I am just powerless, just so powerless now.

Caught up with rx and tws today over dinner at Jcube :) We just spoke our minds and time just passed so fast over the 1hr ++ dinner. And I was totally useless when it came to preparing the food D: Happy? So confused.

My advice to her (heh ironically I think it applies to me more) : You have to stop doing what's hurting you.


I hate to over think. I hate the me who over thinks. And I hate the you who makes me over think. 

It takes two hands to clap. If you decide to force it with one hand, that hand will end up being hurt and injured. And eventually, stops trying.

"I'm not broke I'm just a brokenhearted man
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do?
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you?

'Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street

So I'm not moving
I'm not moving"

05-07 wake

2.57am and its really a bad time to be doing stuff like thinking deep about the unknown because thoughts tend to run wild more so than any time of the day. Yet... I cannot bring myself to stop. Yes I need to stop. But I am so powerless, swept away by the emotions that dwell deep within me, causing me to lose all sense of logic.

Because I just know that some things aren't meant to be and some times... its my fault for not picking the right battle,  my heart's fault for being stolen so easily, my senses fault for not being illogical before you, and my brain for being so weak.

So damn tired with socialising. So many problems which probably wouldn't have existed if we were still an all guys school.

Conflicted. I know its ok to have fun but at the expense of others, I cannot bring myself to do. Yet I am just a normal human, preaching great but doing shit. If only time can turn around, back to the one week before we got together, before anything happened. Even so, I'm sure things would have happened like how they would have eventually.


Because if there's no sign of reciprocity,  its really hard to carry on and find the motivation to continue for you. But you are just as unpredictable like the weather, sunshine and the next moment a stormy rain.

But I know somewhere deep in my heart, deep down, where I just cannot bear to let go.. and all these years I have lived, making others the centre of my life. And I realise how difficult it is to push through and these kind of things will be frequent enough to kill the me inside.

And I still foolishly go on hoping, despite knowing what would eventually happen.

"My faith in you was.. failing..."

30-06

There's been a lot of unseen tension in our class relationships.. and I've been told that I'm probably over thinking because the class is the only people I hang out with. There's so much things to be done and yet nothing is within my capabilities to do. Amazed at my own uselessness, helplessness, inability.

Aaaaaand... there are things that seem so easy for other people yet I just can't achieve even if I died trying. Like... encouraging people.. standing broad jump... initiating conversations with strangers... and I can't seem to leave her alone when she is in distress, when she's not in distress, when she has random panic attacks and when she's fine.

Dreams these few days seem to be less remember-able, but I still have them without fail everynight.. I wonder if they mean something 😅

On a side note, its 6 days till end of blocks!! (1 day to start :/) got so much stuffs to catch up on after blocks, hanging out and watching movies with all the different friends and SLACK!!


If there are two clones, one good and one evil, I can’t kill on sight alone. It’s the same with love. Some love hurts, and some love elevates, but as to which one is which, they are two sides to the same sandwich.